Choosing Conversational Topics

Introduction “I have found, in my experience with Americans, that they are friendly and that they seem to talk easily with each other. When I talk to them, I often wonder what to talk about. I say “Hello” and “How are you?” After that, I don’t know what to say. (Immigrant, ten years in the U.S.)

Two people from the same culture can have this feeling. However, if two people have not grown up in the same culture, they have less shared experience than two people who have grown up together. Shared culture is shared experience. With shared experience, conversation is easier. In situation of cross- culture communication, people sometimes have to try harder to make conversation.

Example:

Conversation 1

Situation: it is the weekend and Pali is doing some work in his front yard. His next-door neighbor, Joe, is also doing some yard work. Joe stops working for a few minutes to talk to Pali.

Joe      : “Hi, Pali. How’s it going?”

Pali     : “O.K. How are things with you?”

Joe      : “Not too bad. In fact, pretty good! Did I tell you that I got a new job?”

Pali     : “No, you didn’t. That’s good news.”

Joe     : ”Well, you knew that I was laid off last month. I heard about a job opening in another company. I applied and had an interview. Three days later, someone called to tell me that I got the job.”

Pali     : “That’s great. How much money do you make now?”

Joe     : (Looking surprised) “Uh, uhm…well, let’s just say that I can pay my bills and put food on the table.”

Pali     : (Not really understanding the answer) “Oh” (Waiting for Joe to answer the question)

Joe     : “Well, listen. I have to get back to work. There’s a lot to do.”

Pali     : “Uh, O.K.” (Not knowing why the conversation stops)

Joe     : “See you.”

Pali     : “Bye.”

Pali’s question, “How much money do you make?”, is consider to be a very personal question in the United States. The question makes Joe uncomfortable, but Joe doesn’t stop to think that maybe, in Pali’s culture, it is acceptable to ask this question. Instead, he wants to end the conversation as soon as possible. He shows that he wants to end it when he says, “Well, listen. I have to get back to work.” Pali doesn’t understand why the conversation stops so suddenly. For him, the question is a normal or usual question. He would be surprised to know that, in the U.S., even close friends do not often tell each other how much money they make.

Conversation 2

Joe      : “Hi, Pali. How’s it going?”

Pali     : “O.K. How are things with you?”

Joe      : “Not too bad. In fact, pretty good! Did I tell you that I got a new job?”

Pali     : “No, you didn’t. That’s good news.”

Joe     : ”Well, you knew that I was laid off last month. I heard about a job opening in another company. I applied and had an interview. Three days later, someone called to tell me that I got the job.”

Pali     : “That’s great. How do you like the job?”

Joe     : “I like it. The salary’s a bit higher than on my last job and the benefits are very good.”

Pali     : “I’m glad to hear that.”

Joe     : “Yeah. The other job was really starting to get me down. There was never enough work. Also I can get good raise in six months if I do well.”

Pali     : “sounds good. How long does it take you to get to your new job?”

            (Pali and Joe continue talking)

In this interaction, Pali asks about the job, but doesn’t ask about the pay. Joe answers the question and offers information about the pay, but he isn’t specific. He says, “The salary’s a bit higher than on my last job and the benefits are very good.” Joe’s answer is indirect and typical of American responses about money. Joe doesn’t tell the exact amount of money he makes. Notice how Joe does not continue talking about the salary, but changes the subject: “The other job was really starting to get me down.” This time, the interaction is comfortable for both Joe and Pali because Pali is aware of cultural differences in asking personal questions.

A.     AVOIDING CERTAIN TOPICS

The following is a list of topics and questions that people usually avoid when they do not know each other well or if they are not very close friends:

1.      Money. Although some people will tell you how much money they paid for something, many do not like to be asked such questions as:

“How much did your house cost?”

“What did you pay for your car?”

“How much money do you make?”

2.      Age. Some people will answer questions about age, but many people would feel uncomfortable answering them. It is, however, a common question to ask of a child.

3.      Religion. This is considered a personal question. Most people do not ask, “What is your religion?” when they first meet someone. The subject usually is not discussed until people know each other better.

4.      Physical Appearance.People often compliment each other’s physical appearance, for example, “Your hair looks nice,” or “I like your blouse.” However, they usually do not ask questions about this topic. For example, many Americans would not like to be asked:

“How much do you weigh?”

“Have you gained weight lately?” (“Have you lost weight?”is usually acceptable, especially if you know the person wants to lose weight.)

5.      Certain Information about Marriage. There are some questions that are common and acceptable in other cultures about marriage that are not considered polite in the U.S. They include:

“When are you going to get marriage?”

“Why aren’t you married?”

“When are you going to have children?” (Although sometimes it is acceptable to ask, “Are you planning to have children?”)

Why don’t you have children?”

Also people usually do not like to be told:

“You should get married soon.”

“You should have children (or another child).”

6.      Politics. When people first meet each other, they sometimes avoid the subject of politics. If they do not know each other well, they probably won’t ask, for example, “Who are you going to vote for?” This, however, can differ from person to person. Some people like to talk about politics and get into “heated discussions” (arguments or discussions in which people strongly disagree). Other people like to avoid arguments and won’t talk about politics. Still others are not at all interested in politics.

Phrases and Expressions for Asking Personal Questions

When you are not sure if a question is personal, you could say:

“I have a question to ask you, but I’m not sure if it’s a personal one for you.”

“I’d like to ask you a question, but I’m not sure if it’s considered personal in your culture.”

If you have already asked the question, you can say:

“If I’ve asked you a personal question, I’m sorry. In my culture, people ask this question all the time.”

“Please tell me if I’m asking any questions that are too personal!”

“I hope you don’t mind that I asked you that question.”

If you know someone well, you might be able to ask personal questions. You could say:

“Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?”

“I have a question to ask you, but please don’t answer it if you don’t want to.”

Phrases and Expressions for Avoiding Answer

If someone asks you a question that you don’t want to answer, there are possible ways of saying so:

“I’m sorry. I prefer not to answer that question.”

“I’m sorry. That’s a hard question for me to answer.”

“I’m sorry. I’d feel uncomfortable answering that question.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d rather don’t answer that.”

If you want to change the topic of conversation, you could say:

“By the way, did you hear about…?”

“I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

“On another subject…”

“Speaking of [state new topic] I wanted to tell you about…”

B.    DISCUSSING COMMON TOPICS

In every culture, there are certain topics that people commonly talk about. These topics may not be the same across cultures or, if they are, they may be discussed differently. In English, people have conversation or small talk about a variety of subjects. When people make a small talk, they talk about things like the weather, sports, their weekend, and so on. The topic may be unimportant, but small talk itself is important for the following reasons:

·         Small talk helps people decide if they want to get to know each other better.

·         Someone people think that if a person doesn’t make small talk, then he or she is not friendly. (Friendliness is something that is important for Americans)

·         Small talk helps people feel comfortable with each other, especially at the beginning of a conversation (for example, in a phone conversation).

·         Small talk can lead to conversations about more interesting, more serious, and more important topics.

A topic can begin as small talk and then turn into a more serious topic for conversation. Some common topics of small talk and conversation are:

1.    Job, work. One of the first questions that people ask when they first meet is, “What do you do?” which means, “What is your job?” or “What line of work are you in?” The next question may be, “Where do you work?” or “Do you like your job?” Be prepared to talk about what you do without going into a lot of detail.

2.    School.Students are always asked these questions:

“What are you studying?”

“What class are you talking?”

“What is your major?”

“How do you like your classes (or teacher)?”

“What do you plan to do after you finish school?”

3.    Weekend and vacation activities. On Fridays, people at work and at school often ask each other about plans for the weekend (Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday).

“What are you going to do this weekend?”

“Do you have any interesting plans for the weekend?”

On Mondays, people often ask about the weekend:

“How was your weekend?”

“How’d your weekend go?”

“Did you do anything exciting over the weekend?”

4.    Family. People often ask married topics, “Do you have children?” (not “When are you going to have children?”). if the answer is “Yes” then there are many questions that can be asked:

“How many children do you have?”

“What are their names?”

“How old are they?”

“Are they in school?”

People also ask questions about each other’s spouses:

“What does your husband/wife do?”

“Where does your husband/wife work?”

People usually like to talk about their spouses. If they don’t want to, they will probably give short answers to questions about them.

5.    Weather. The weather is common topic of conversation, especially when there isn’t much else to talk about. Strangers often talk about the weather for brief periods of time. For example:

(As two people [strangers] are leaving a store:)

A  : “Nice weather we’re having.”

B  : “Sure is. I hope it stays this way.”

A  : “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

B  : “Oh, yes. It’s gorgeous.”

A  : “What awful weather we’re having!”

B  : “I know. When’s it going to end?”

6.    Money matters. Men seem to talk more about money (except their own salaries) than women. Money matters include things like investments, stock, etc.

7.    Possessions, things. Again, men seem to talk more than women about things they own or would like to own: computers, stereo equipment, televisions, cars, cameras, etc.

8.    Sports. Many men and some women like to talk about sports such as baseball (during spring and summer), football (during fall and winter), and basketball (all year round).

9.    Themselves. People enjoy hearing other people talk about themselves, as long as one person doesn’t do all the talking! You probably have had many experiences that Americans have not had. If you feel comfortable talking about yourself, then the person you are talking to will probably also talk about himself or herself. Also, many Americans are interested in hearing about your experiences in the new culture.